soulcrusher

I used to be a fangirl. Life was a bit more easy back then because I actually had something to look forward to, and I had a community and it was easy to make friends based on interests and generating ideas for art was fun bc I would constantly make fanart. Being a fangirl is nice because it comes with a package for life. You get something worth living for, people to talk to, things to strive towards; a purpose. 

Unfortunately, I've gotten older, and I find that I don't tend to care about things that much anymore. I like music, but it's not like I know the names and rare facts of all the band members involved. I don't get too deeply into stuff like I used to, and I no longer have a cause to dedicate myself to.

To be honest, despite this, I don't think I would like to go back to my fangirl days. It was at its core, an identity formed through overzealous overconsumption, and I can't really say it was an identity of mine if it was really spent living vicariously through the lives of other people I dedicated my life to. Regardless, I'm lost. So lost that I'm tired of looking. When I have free time, I find that it just stresses me out because it's just a reminder to me that I've got nothing to be excited about. I have lost a will to, well not live per se, I'm not suicidal. But I guess I've lost the will to find something worth living for. I like reading, I guess. That will never change, and I like drawing, but there aren't many passive hobbies I have anymore, maybe I should get into crochet, idk.

I should start going back to the library now so my family won't bother me while I'm trying to study. I find it very annoying when people say "you'll miss them when they're gone". Just because it is a privilege to have family doesn't give them the right to be provocative on all occasions. For example, I know if my daughter or sister were studying and were super stressed about their exams, I wouldn't bombard them with a million errands while everyone else gets to sit on the couch, feet up, doing nothing. Better yet, I know that if I were the kind of parent that put a lot of pressure on my children to exceed, I would at least give them the time to fucking do it, right? Obviously.

Anyways, I'm lost for things to do, and it's not the first time I've ended up here, I think it's bc I tend to overthink things. I think I found a hobby but then I slowly forgot about it. Oh wait - I used to be into loom bands but then slowly forgot about them. Hm, maybe I should pick it up again. Maybe I should even get into crochet. Problem is it's so hard for beginners lol!

Well, that's all I have for today. I actually would love to learn to play the piano and also I'm interested in other stuff which I will not put in this journal. Perhaps I should go on pinterest, or make some goals for myself, or focus on achieving my goals, or making loom bands.

Or maybe I should simply accept that I will not know what to do every second of my life. That's normal. The important part is what I do on days like these. I'd say in this case it's essential to not fall back on youtube binges. But what can I say? Old habits die hard, aye?

Also, I wanna go thrifting. But the scene in the UK is so wack. :((( Depop is also really expensive. Sucks lol.

And I wanna make youtube videos, but I'm so very insecure :(

Anyways bye, I may post again! I have a habit for posting a million times a day, but that's just how my journal goes hahaha 

idk if any of you guys use spacehey (i used to - not so much anymore!), I was the kind of guy that'd post a million bulletins a day lmao

 if anyone knows of any good journals, preferably in the section for:

goth, alternative fashion,
or fashion in general

please do let me know ^_^.